


Have you Ever?

by nakamaRose



Category: JackSepticEye (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Other, Possibly Triggering, Sadness, Self-Insert, Self-Worth, author relates, rather be safe than sorry, rough times
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-07
Updated: 2018-03-07
Packaged: 2019-03-28 03:28:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,256
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13895283
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nakamaRose/pseuds/nakamaRose
Summary: He'd hoped the music would take his mind off of the dark thoughts that had started to bleed in, like a wound that wouldn't stop gushing blood no matter how hard you pressed on it.





	Have you Ever?

**Author's Note:**

> Might be triggering to some, others maybe not, either way, please read carefully <3

He didn't realize how long he'd been drowning until he stopped trying to fight against the endless thoughts and emotions that had been pulling at him. He thought he had been happy with his place in life, his career was stable and he had been happy with the content he'd been producing. Why then, when everything was still around him, did he feel like the walls were closing in around him. Why were his thoughts running through his head at a hundred miles an hour instead of taking in the calm night the day had brought?

Why was he sitting on his couch, the lights on but his heart filled with a darkness so black he was afraid it would taint everything and everyone he held dear to him. Why did he fight back the tears that threatened to spill from his eyes, there wasn't anyone else in his home, no one to see him break apart and crumble into a weak, broken mess? Maybe that in of itself was the issue, he was trying to keep the tears from falling so when his mind inevitably came back to this dark moment, he could tell others he was strong.

But in this moment, he felt so weak, so tired, so…afraid.

The first tears came down his face so silently that he didn't notice until he felt the teardrop splash against the back of his clenched fists. He blinked. Once, twice, three times more before the tears fell without waiting for his permission. He gritted his teeth angrily, gasping for breath as he desperately clawed for control over his frayed emotions.

Why was this, so hard all of a sudden?

He bowed his head and took in a shuddering breath that, to his ears, sounded like a man dying. The loud and chocked gasp of breath he took into his burning chest to fill his aching lungs spurred the tears to fall faster. Jack doubled over in pain, not from the physical kind like when you bumped your elbow against the corner of the counter, but the kind of emotional pain so raw that it shook your entire body to its core. Pain that, when it was done with you, would leave you feeling emptier than you had before, a numbness coursing through your veins until the dawn of a new day would inevitably come once again and taunt you with false happiness.

Jack gasped, swallowing air like a greedy man, his shoulders shaking up and down as he immersed himself in the pain and uncertainty, his entire body curling in on itself. He had no one in this moment to turn to, to express the rapid emotions he was feeling. _Anger, pain, sadness, selfishness, worthlessness_ …they all vied for his attention and he needed someone there to help guide him through the mess it was making him.

He had no one to blame but himself of course, he had purposefully isolated himself, purposefully taken the time off from making videos in order to indulge in a break he so rarely offered himself. Everything was falling apart though; the day had started off just like the others before it. He got up, made coffee, and sifted through his various social medias, nothing out of the ordinary, but maybe that had been the problem. It hadn't been until later in the day, when his thoughts began to wander in a direction he hadn't really allowed himself to go down before.

He began to doubt himself, began to doubt about the choices he had made earlier in the year and the guilt at turning down certain projects, had begun to eat away at him. He had held it together well enough though, he placed on one of his favorite records onto his record player and had gone about making dinner. He'd hoped the music would take his mind off of the dark thoughts that had started to bleed in, like a wound that wouldn't stop gushing blood no matter how hard you pressed on it.

Yet, somehow, he persisted. Jack stubbornly plowed his way through making dinner, sitting down at his couch and even laughing at some idiotic commercials. It seemed like everything was back on track until he had once again sifted through his twitter comments, his eyes locking on one in particular that wished him the best during his break and hoped all was going well.

 _Everything_ came rushing back at him in a blinding rush, stealing his breath. How was he doing? Well, up until literal seconds ago, he'd been just fine, eating dinner and mindlessly scrolling through twitter, but now he was on the verge of meltdown. There had been hundreds of other tweets, all spewing the same sentiment at him, all wishing him the best. Why now, was it this one, the possible hundredth one he had read, that was causing him to break down.

And this time he had nothing to distract himself with.

It was here that Jack found himself doubled over in pain, gulping down shaky breaths of air until he felt like his lungs would burst. With no one readily available to him, Jack merely let the emotions ride through him, flitting between anger and sadness and then worthlessness until he was back to sadness. He cried like this until his tears ran dry and his intake of breath became regular. He tumbled onto the floor, body numb as he lay on the carpet, eyes staring at the flashing images his television had to offer.

A headache was beginning to bloom behind his eyes and Jack closed his eyes wearily, willing the pain to go away. His entire body ached, specifically his chest, it felt like someone had been squeezing it. He didn't know what to feel in that moment, he still felt anger, the sadness, the worthlessness and selfishness, but to a lesser degree now. Now he just felt numb, and tired, he felt tired too.

Maybe he needed to take breaks more often, he thought as he slowly picked himself off the floor and headed to his bathroom. He desperately needed to wipe off the snot and tears that were leaving him feeling sticky and vulnerable.

He flicked on the light, eyes squinting as he made his way to the sick and turned on the cold water, not bothering to wait for it to warm up. He needed to feel the shock of something cool on his face, Jack felt like his body was on fire and he needed something to combat it. The Irishman looked at himself in the mirror, only now taking in how tired he looked, how dark the circles stood out in contrast to his bright, tear stained eyes.

Jack frowned and grabbed his toothbrush, he was going to call it an early night, he didn't think he had the strength to bother with doing anything else. He finished as fast as he could, not even bothering to turn off the television, it wasn't loud enough to bother him and it tricked his frazzled mind into thinking someone else was there with him. It comforted him a small bit as he climbed into bed, burying himself under the covers and grabbed an extra pillow, pulling it close to his chest. He was feeling more at ease now, and he allowed the security the weight of the blankets brought him to lull him to sleep.

Tomorrow would inevitably come, it always did, but maybe this time the happiness that it promised, wouldn't be false.

**Author's Note:**

> It's something I really relate to, the way Jack opened up about feeling this way. I've struggled and didn't realize it until I had my own mental breakdown (again), but I'm trying. It's why I've taken up writing again after so many years, it's very cathartic.


End file.
